Despaired Disrepaired...

I purged today for the first time in many many years.

It was as easy as ever and I felt glad that I wouldn't be absorbing all those calories from dinner but it has given me a bit of a headache.

Also I do not want to get back into that habit.  Last time I took it so far that I ended up being rushed to hospital and lost my hearing for three weeks because my blood pressure was so low.

However I think it has confirmed that ultimately I can't stop obsessing about food and losing weight now.

I am desperate to get thinner.

The ABC diet has me intrigued still.  The challenge is calling me even tho I know in advance that I will fail miserably on christmas day.  Christmas has always long been more about the chocolate than the presents for me. (I hardly ever get presents at christmas *cries*).

So I think I will start ABC tomorrow and see how it goes.

Ultimately I just don't want to eat anymore.

I'm desperate to get the scars on my belly removed.  I have lived with them since I was about 19 now and it has only ever gotten worse.

I'm too scared to meet a new man because I know eventually he would want to see me naked one day.  I fear having to buy new clothes because I can't face seeing my reflection in the changing room mirrors and I'm sick of knowing that I have never ever ever been able to wear the clothes I want to.

I grew up as the fat sister out of three of us.  It wasn't until after I attained these gross disgusting scars that I ever managed to lose weight.  My mind was convinced that if I got skinny enough they would just magically disappear.

That just isn't the case.

Now I want to get skinny enough that the doctors take me more seriously and at least consider giving me an operation to remove them.  It was shocking to be told to 'just get over it' when I meekly mentioned it to my new doctor.

My ex boyfriend used to call me a mutilated c**t!!  He would strip me naked, slap me and tell me how disgusting I was.  So disgusting that he could puke on my head!

I know he was just being an arsehole and trying to get at me but it worked.  I hate even leaving the house sometimes for fear of my clothes riding up and people catching glimpses of my ugliness.

My new mantra is 'ABC til Free' - meaning I'm not eating properly until I find a solution to all of this crazyness.  Either doctors will help me or maybe even my family will notice and offer some financial help.  I need £8000(ish) to pay for the op privately but that is looking like an impossibility.  It kinda sucks when my friend has just had her parents pay £6000 for new boobs!  My parents are too busy spending every penny they earn on several all inclusive holidays a year.  They go all around the world and I wouldn't mind if they actually went for the experiences and such.  No they go to get drunk, drink as much as they can and then drink some more.  Hell they do that every night in their own house anyway!!

My life is extremely lonely.  I have no real friends since being with my ex and my family don't even pay attention to the fact that I am ill and disabled let alone desperately unhappy.

The more and more I look at it the more I feel that something drastic needs to happen before any of my issues are taken seriously or even addressed by others.