Saturday, 21 November 2009

Depressed

Very very depressed

but at least it means I'm not eating.

Been a hard week.  Asked the kids very nicely to let me get some rest this morning, especially as they wanted to stay up and watch children in need last night, put the christmas tree up today and go bowling tomorrow.

They stayed up and I struggled to keep myself up to keep an eye on them.

Needless to say I didn't get any rest, they were inconsiderate all day and then finished of with fist fights, (of all things!!), when i asked them to tidy up the camp that I also let them make last night to sleep in.

I sent them to bed very early.

Makes me feel terrible when I lose my temper with them.

Makes me remember just how alone I am with my illness and this single parent business.

Makes me try and remember the last time anyone phoned or contacted me to see how I am or if I need any help.

Makes me see, yet again, that people are only interested in me when they want something.

Sick of being house bound, or taking trips out for kids then suffering big time the next few days.

Sick of feeling ugly and disgusting, even having a bath is no comfort as I am forced to face my fugly mutilated body.

Tired of being tired and worn down by life.

Tired of being a cripple and having people stare at my walking stick cos they think I am too young to really need it.  Or think I am faking because some days I refuse to use it.

Got no prospects for my future.

No recovery to look forward to.

No sympathy or understanding.

No friends, no family interest...

...Just three young children who can be very ungrateful at times.

The tree didn't get done.  I can't find anyone to help me get the rest of the christmas stuff I need to buy and my house is getting messy because I'm not physically able to cope with it all right now and no one gives a shit.

got to be positive apparently, not wind myself up.

I fail to see anything positive to focus on.

I really am a walking limping fuck up.

1 comments:

Inner Thinner Me said...

When all else fails, find the strength you need in your children. Its easy to forget, but nothing feels as good as the love you have for them. No matter what Im going through...My boys can always pull me out of it. Those sweet little hugs, the precious kisses, the adventure and curiosity. We are so lucky to have them. I know it can be stressfull but just remember what a blessing they are. A blessing that not everyone is fortunate enough to recieve.

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