Thursday, 26 November 2009


I purged today for the first time in many many years.

It was as easy as ever and I felt glad that I wouldn't be absorbing all those calories from dinner but it has given me a bit of a headache.

Also I do not want to get back into that habit.  Last time I took it so far that I ended up being rushed to hospital and lost my hearing for three weeks because my blood pressure was so low.

However I think it has confirmed that ultimately I can't stop obsessing about food and losing weight now.

I am desperate to get thinner.

The ABC diet has me intrigued still.  The challenge is calling me even tho I know in advance that I will fail miserably on christmas day.  Christmas has always long been more about the chocolate than the presents for me. (I hardly ever get presents at christmas *cries*).

So I think I will start ABC tomorrow and see how it goes.

Ultimately I just don't want to eat anymore.

I'm desperate to get the scars on my belly removed.  I have lived with them since I was about 19 now and it has only ever gotten worse.

I'm too scared to meet a new man because I know eventually he would want to see me naked one day.  I fear having to buy new clothes because I can't face seeing my reflection in the changing room mirrors and I'm sick of knowing that I have never ever ever been able to wear the clothes I want to.

I grew up as the fat sister out of three of us.  It wasn't until after I attained these gross disgusting scars that I ever managed to lose weight.  My mind was convinced that if I got skinny enough they would just magically disappear.

That just isn't the case.

Now I want to get skinny enough that the doctors take me more seriously and at least consider giving me an operation to remove them.  It was shocking to be told to 'just get over it' when I meekly mentioned it to my new doctor.

My ex boyfriend used to call me a mutilated c**t!!  He would strip me naked, slap me and tell me how disgusting I was.  So disgusting that he could puke on my head!

I know he was just being an arsehole and trying to get at me but it worked.  I hate even leaving the house sometimes for fear of my clothes riding up and people catching glimpses of my ugliness.

My new mantra is 'ABC til Free' - meaning I'm not eating properly until I find a solution to all of this crazyness.  Either doctors will help me or maybe even my family will notice and offer some financial help.  I need £8000(ish) to pay for the op privately but that is looking like an impossibility.  It kinda sucks when my friend has just had her parents pay £6000 for new boobs!  My parents are too busy spending every penny they earn on several all inclusive holidays a year.  They go all around the world and I wouldn't mind if they actually went for the experiences and such.  No they go to get drunk, drink as much as they can and then drink some more.  Hell they do that every night in their own house anyway!!

My life is extremely lonely.  I have no real friends since being with my ex and my family don't even pay attention to the fact that I am ill and disabled let alone desperately unhappy.

The more and more I look at it the more I feel that something drastic needs to happen before any of my issues are taken seriously or even addressed by others.

Wednesday, 25 November 2009

Two More Bracelets

There was three more that I made but I seem to have forgotten to take a picture of the third one.  We decided to give it to the sister of the little girl who died recently so it got wrapped and given away rather quickly.


I've nearly finished another one too.  I'm finding it is a great way to keep my hands busy and stopping me from shoving food into my mouth all the time.

Just wish I could make something to sell so that I can start saving the thousands of pounds I need to get my horrible scars and shite ickyness removed from my body.


So I finally found out what the ABC 'diet' is.

It appears to be a new version of the old 2 4 6 8 'diet'.

Anyway there doesn't seem to be much logic behind it (other than restrict restrict restrict) but I am tempted to give it a go just for the challenge.

Of course seeing as christmas is just around the corner I would have to have a couple of days off - because I know I will be dipping into the kids choclate treats, and I have a friend coming round on xmas day that I have promised a good meal to. 

It's a shame that somehow my nasty ex managed to get rid of my fear of food.

I want to be 102lbs before my birthday in Feb.

Tuesday, 24 November 2009


I'm in a really bad mood all of a sudden.

I wish I knew what's caused it because I'm feeling it is going to spiral into another fit of depression.

I'm guessing that it is probably due to ex's comments all day.

He starts being an arse to me then flips it around to make it out that I am the world's worst person.

Going to bath kids then go to bed I hope.

A Quick Note

To say that I was brave enough to weigh myself today.  I am still 110lbs.


I am so pleased I haven't gained tons (tonnes?) of weight as I haven't really been watching what I eat very well.

Yesterday was a nightmare.

After only 3 hours of sleep I had to take my daughter to Great Ormond Street Children's Hospital for her checkup.  We left dead early to get into London and made it with only five minutes to spare.

After spending a couple of hours getting her tests done and finding out that everything is fine we jumped back on the train home.

Then I got a call to say my youngest had had to be picked up from school as he was really ill.  My friend got him and met me at the station.  He was burning up something bad and complaining about his head and eyes.
I told my friend to take us straight to the emergency room.  Oh my god I have never seen him that ill so suddenly and I was terrified he had meningitis like the girl in his class.

As usual the hospital was a nightmare.  My friend took my daughter back to work with him and said he would get my other son from school at 3, take him back to work too then feed them when work was over.

As me and the youngest were waiting to be seen he was getting hotter and hotter and screaming about his head, while his skin was getting really red and spotty.  Finally the triage nurse assessed him.  She took his temperature and pulse and then rushed us straight through to the beds and the doctors.  He got some medicines instantly and then we waited.  Finally he cooled down and the rashes all faded.  They think it is a throat infection.  It looks like he reacts to them just like his mummy!  They kill me everytime and get me admitted into hospital usually.

Anyway he is fine now but home for a couple of days for the anti biotics to work.

Meanwhile by the time I finally got home (about7:30pm) his dad/my ex had left all these messages about how selfish I am because I still haven't phoned him.  Of course I haven't phoned him.  There is a reason he doesn't have a phone number and a reason he isn't allowed near my house!  I want nothing to do with the abusive arse!!!!!

So I left him a message explaining that I had busted my arse making sure all kids got seen asap for health problems but this resulted in him accusing me of doing something to the youngest son and telling me that I abuse him and the kids.  Todays message was, "big mouth, foul mouth dirty slag".

(I replied big fish, small fish, cardboard box lol lol lol that amused me greatly for a couple of hours)

Now he askinhg me to call again to show I have nothing to hide~!!  he is sorry for 'bad' words.

Stupid fucking shit of a man!

I'm knackered but at least I am feeling like a good person.  Not many people would have handled my day yesterday as well as I did and completely on their own.

And it is a great feeling to feel free of reactions and hurt from the arsehole's comments.  They just don't bother me half as much as before.

All I need now is to lose more weight and I will feel great about myself.

Saturday, 21 November 2009


Very very depressed

but at least it means I'm not eating.

Been a hard week.  Asked the kids very nicely to let me get some rest this morning, especially as they wanted to stay up and watch children in need last night, put the christmas tree up today and go bowling tomorrow.

They stayed up and I struggled to keep myself up to keep an eye on them.

Needless to say I didn't get any rest, they were inconsiderate all day and then finished of with fist fights, (of all things!!), when i asked them to tidy up the camp that I also let them make last night to sleep in.

I sent them to bed very early.

Makes me feel terrible when I lose my temper with them.

Makes me remember just how alone I am with my illness and this single parent business.

Makes me try and remember the last time anyone phoned or contacted me to see how I am or if I need any help.

Makes me see, yet again, that people are only interested in me when they want something.

Sick of being house bound, or taking trips out for kids then suffering big time the next few days.

Sick of feeling ugly and disgusting, even having a bath is no comfort as I am forced to face my fugly mutilated body.

Tired of being tired and worn down by life.

Tired of being a cripple and having people stare at my walking stick cos they think I am too young to really need it.  Or think I am faking because some days I refuse to use it.

Got no prospects for my future.

No recovery to look forward to.

No sympathy or understanding.

No friends, no family interest...

...Just three young children who can be very ungrateful at times.

The tree didn't get done.  I can't find anyone to help me get the rest of the christmas stuff I need to buy and my house is getting messy because I'm not physically able to cope with it all right now and no one gives a shit.

got to be positive apparently, not wind myself up.

I fail to see anything positive to focus on.

I really am a walking limping fuck up.

Thursday, 19 November 2009

I Made These!

Instead of concentrating on how much I hate my body I have been busy stressing about christmas.

I've finally finished everything I was planning to make and only have a few gifts left to buy.

Bracelet for Sister 1

Bracelet for Sister 2


Bracelet for Mum


Do you like my make shift bracelet holders?  You really can find many uses for an empty toilet roll tube.

I'm not so keen on Mum's bracelet, it is a bit er...wobbly.  I doubt any of them will actually wear them, use them, or really appreciate them anyway.


Lets hope I am wrong about that tho.

I also made these:

A jar of fizzy bath stars (bath bombs) for each of them.

For my niece I sat and made A LOT of beaded necklaces and bracelets.  I was going to put them all in a box so they looked like treasure but they got too tangled.  I found this jewellery stand cheap on ebay.

And finally by biggest achievement is a set of nine journals. One each for sister 1 and bro in law 1, sister 2 and bro in law 2, mum, dad, niece and nephew!  The ninth one is the one I made for me to be my food journal

The 9 stacks of pages (Brain blank I have forgot what they are actually called).  Each Journal has a different picture printed on the pages and the kids ones are printed for them to fill in the blanks then write or draw as they please.

Everyone has got a gift bag with their handmade stuff in plus chocolates, alcholic treats, books and some games or puzzles etc.  Noticed the extra gift bag?  Thats for my baby Niece but she is far too young to realise I didn't make anything for her so I am stopping now and calling it done.  Yay!

 Please excuse the horrid blue stripe on my horrid floor.  
Who knows why someone previously thought that it would look good. 
It doesn't, it just makes everyone ask
'Why have you got a blue square in the middle of the front room?'

Now I just have to finish buying for my own kids, find buy some decorations and hope my tree is ok.

Tuesday, 17 November 2009


So something really shocking happened shortly after my last blog post. 

I don't want to go into details but it made me rethink EVERYTHING.


today I found out that one of the little girls in my youngest's class, died yesterday.  She fell ill Friday night, was a lot worse on Saturday.  Her parents took her to the hospital but once there she fell into a coma, and then the machines were turned off yesterday evening.

Apparently it was meningitis but not the infectious need to be quarantined type.

My heart goes out to the family.  It's such an awful thing to happen and at this time of year it will be doubley hard.  The poor girl had just been through some major hip operations and was finally up and walking about again.  It is so hard to believe that this can happen.

I went to the emergency meeting that the school held for the parents of Reception aged children.  The headmistress cried a lot.  I couldn't help but feel it was a bit hypocritical.  I mean surely Mrs headmistress can't personally care that much about each and every individual child in that school and surely she can't believe that she knows them all extremely well and on some personal level. 

It was insulting to me, but maybe I am just warped.

My daughter is due back at Great Ormond Street Hospital on Monday for a check up.  She has been complaining about heart pains for a couple of weeks so it needs to be investigated.  I know she will be due another operation at some point, and that it will be sometime before she is 18.  Other than that it is just a waiting game and I have had a bad feeling about this next appointment since it was made.

After today those fears and my paranoia are playing on my mind a lot.

So with two very shocking incidents. I have decided that I need to concentrate not just on my weight but on my whole life.

I need a New Life Diet.

I'm not sure of the rewards, goals, or potential achievements yet (it is a work in progress) but from now on I need to focus on a whole new way of living this meagre poor miserable waste of time existance.

Sunday, 8 November 2009


Not a very good weekend.

My internet connection has been dead for a day or so.  Luckily it means I haven't been able to update myfitnesspal charts.

Yesterday I had McDonalds.

So today I was going to fast.


I feel so rough I actually fell asleep for most of the afternoon, leaving the kiddies to their own devices.  Thankfully they are extremely well behaved and sensible.  I awoke to no major disasters and found they had been playing 'schools' and bouncing on the trampoline.

I was going to fast but I'm too wobbly to cook so have ordered pizza for the children.  Normally I would be able to resist but I'm doubting that will happen today.  My body knows it needs energy and quick.

There is a fine line between wanting to desperately lose weight and the fear of passing out when there isn't another adult around.  It would be terrible to scare them like that.

My weight this morning was 108.8lbs.  I'm calling it at 109 still. 

That means my weight loss this week is 4lbs.

Oh and I've been wearing one of those step counters.  In a week I have walked just over 15miles.  Not bad for a cripple!!

Tomorrow I am jumping back on the wagon.  Hopefully I will lose another 3lbs next week.

Physiotherapy was a bit disappointing.  I've got some really simple exercises to do that in no way will help me burn fat or really build muscle.  The physio said it will be at least six months before I get enough strength back in my hips to exercise properly.  And by properly I still mean at a really low intensity.

It sucks. 

I miss running so much, miss going to the gym, feeling the burn and knowing that I am not just filling my body up with calories that are going to sit and turn to fat!

He (the physio) also warned me that if I try and do too much I will only cause more damage.  he said I should work at 75% of my ability and not let it get to the point where it is really hurting.  ACK! This means I can do about 4 leg pushy thingys a day.  That is so pathetic.

I tried doing them in the bath earlier.  I thought the water might help take some of the pressure off.  I did about 6 on each leg but I think even that is risky.  I couldn't really walk afterwards then crashed out in bed.

So for now all I can do is restrict restrict restrict.


Maybe I should just lay down and keep rolling around the floor on my side for hours LOL! 

I'll tell the kids I am training for a hill rolling competition.

Thursday, 5 November 2009

Day 5

Been feeling quite ill all day.  Baby Boy was diagnosed with a chest infection on Monday so maybe I am coming down with that.  I've definitely gota rotten cold but I fear it is going to get a lot worse.

Had some extra vitamin tablets just in case and going to have an early night.

Today's chart:

I haven't really eaten this much.  I made an omelette for dinner but ate hardly any of it.

Tomorrow is my first physiotherapy appointment, I hope I am well enough to go.

Surprised at how easy I have found it to restrict again, it really is all in the mind I guess.  Depression must help too but I am definitely less depressed than when I started.

As far as The Ex goes, things really aren't getting to me half as much.  Looks like I just needed to get the last of it out of my system.  I spent many years being abused by him and never had time to cry or vent.  Now the heart ache is minimal and more related to fear of being alone for the rest of my life than actually missing him or wanting him (I think).

Started making a bracelet for my sister but didn't get very far.  Hopefully I will find time and energy to finish it tomorrow.


I don't weigh myself everyday as I know that will lead to ultimate obsession for me.  I did weigh myself this morning tho and woot I have hit 109.

Sooo tired, need energy but will wait until Sunday as planned.

Debating whether or not to start taking some caffeine pills.  I don't drink anything but water tho so a bit worried they will just give me the shakes instead of a boost.

Wednesday, 4 November 2009

Another Successful Day

...but it is getting harder.

I am FIENDING for a burger.  Mmmmmm burger.

Very light headed a lot of the time but no where near close to caving in.   I think tho that I will restrict until Saturday and on Sunday allow myself a burger and some sort of chocolatey goodness.  I fear if I try and carry on much longer than that without a treat day I will cave and fall into a full on binge.

As long as that is all I eat all day and I keep my calories under 800 for the rest of the week I should be fine.

It doesn't help that I walk past the burger shop every time I pick the kids up from school or pop to the shops.

Mmmmm burger.

Last night wasn't as bad as I expected.  No tears and a fairly restful night.  The tablets from the doctor help a lot.

Todays chart:

Thanks to Kayla I think I have my feelings about The Ex in better perspective.  Yes I want him to hurt for me that is exactly the phrase that sums up my lost feeling.  I know that this won't happen tho he is too wrapped up in himself.

So getting my eating under control has taken a lot less time than I expected.  Now I need to work on my creativity, hopefully it will also help me express all these locked up feelings and emotions. 

Before hitting my slump I had started making things for Christmas pressies.  I'm going to try and make myself get finished with these things so that I can concentrate on getting the rest of the shopping out of the way.  Christmas is a huge stress for me and now that it is November already it is weighing on my mind big time.

Tuesday, 3 November 2009

I've just run out of cigarettes.

Unbelievable really as it means I have already smoked 20 today.  I don't normally smoke that much.

It's an anxiety thing.

Although I feel better about food and my eating habits The Ex is still getting to me.  At the end of last week I was still feeling rather heart broken and everything got on top of me.  Seriously depressive crying was what most of my time was spent on, so much so that I even chose to go and sit at my parents house for the company. 

I have no idea why I am finding it so hard because that man really doesn't deserve my love and my rational brain tells me it is impossible to really love someone who was that violent and abusive.  Also it has been nine months since we split.  However the pain has been there and the heart ache has been overwhelming.  I wrote about these feelings but as usual it led to more verbal abuse from him and him telling me yet again I am full of shit and never loved him.

I still hang around online sometimes just in case he decides to be nice but even that is a trap.  It never lasts and always ends up with him screaming about how I abused him and destroyed his life etc.

Part of my reason for restricting is extremely immature.  I know I am seeking attention.  I want people to see the pain I am in, want them to see that I do need help in several ways and part of me even wants to be physically ill enough for him to take everything back, admit what he did and make it all better.

This is all pie in the sky tho.

Great, now I'm gonna set myself off crying again and I've only just managed to stop doing that every day.
I need to except that he is a lost cause and that it is some sort of brainwashing that is keeping me hooked on him.

So yeah, therein lies my dillema.  I have no cigarettes which in my subconscious somewhere equals no comfort.  I can feel my mood dropping but I refuse to go out at this time in the evening to buy more when I have smoked this many in one day.

I want to quit anyway...I'm just really scared of actually doing it.  What will I fill the empty void inside me with if I don't have cigarettes.  Drugs are gone, food is gone and for the rest of tonight smoking is gone. 

*Big Sigh*

Good news tho is that I am still under 800 calories a day which is enough to keep me satisfied in that area (for now).  Also although I have only kept records for the past 3 days I officially started around wednesday last week.  Long enough for me to feel quite light headed most of the time now so weight should definitely be coming off.

Todays chart:

Im surprised that the numbers aren't higher as I feel like I have really over eaten today but everything has been plugged in accurately.  Carbs appear to be the hardest to control for me as I do love me some sweet snacks but it is a work in progress. 

Wonder if I will get to 105lbs again and if I can do it before xmas.

Ok I should try finish this up but as I type my daughter is making me a hot chocolate (bless her she is growing up quick),  I'm already dying for a smoke and I suspect I will eat the last 4 jaffa cakes before I sleep.

Will still be under 1000 calories if not 800 so I'm not going to worry too much.  For now the biggest battle is my battle with nicotine.

Monday, 2 November 2009

Much Better

I feel much better about myself now that I am restricting again.

Before me and my ex split up I had completely overcome the guilty feeling I had when eating. Then when he was gone and I started comfort eating I felt terrible about myself constantly. Now I feel like food isn't taking over me or ruling my life. I'm not dashing off to buy chocolate and junk anymore and making better choices again.

Today's chart:

I've also started a cross stich kit that my sister gave me on the weekend. It is a mammoth task with no less than 52000 stitches but I enjoy the challenge and it keeps me occupied. So no more lying around crying for hours thus far.

Sunday, 1 November 2009

Now I Remember...

... Just how hard it is to accurately record calorie, fat, carb and protein counts.

Luckily I knew that I would want to start loosing weight and recording it all again so I have already made myself a book to keep a list of all my regular and safe foods in.

For now I am guesstimating with myfitnesspal as well as the Carol Vordermen Active Health DS program. I've put the same foods into each one and have varying results/numbers, hence me wanting to make my own list/calorie guide that I can refer to with confidence. Then I know the numbers that I publish here will be accurate and the same as the ones on my DS.

Today's breakdown:

New Year's Resolutions

I know it is 2 months early but I figured if I don't start now I will have no chance of success.

Before it is time to achieve my new year's resolutions serious practice/training is needed!

Resolution 1 - Loose weight
Resolution 2 - Stop smoking (erm yeah uh huh *non confident look*)
Resolution 3 - Spend my time more efficiently/Be more creative.

As it is the first of the month today I decided it was a great time to check my weight and start a new eating plan. Well ok there is no plan except to eat less and make healthier choices but you kow what I mean right?

My scales are fantastic as they always tell me I weigh nothing...0stone and 0lbs ha ha. Obviously this isn't anywhere near accurate so I bought new ones today.

The results were (drum roll please)

Weight ............................................... 8st 1lb (113lbs)
Body Fat percentage ....................... 19.7%
Body Water percentage .................. 59.6%

Definitely not as bad as I was expecting! WOOT

The handy dandy chart that came included indicates that a fitness program is recommended. Not entirely sure why tho. My water percentage is above the recommended 50% so I'm guessing that has something to do with it.

As for not smoking....well that seems very unlikely. It is my emotional crutch (or so I am told) and yes it is comforting to me. I don't worry about death and cancer, we are all going to die someday and I doubt anyway to die is particularly void of suffering. However extra money is an incentive, not having to sit in the cold and rain would be beneficial and the fact that I hate hate hate hate the smell makes me want to stop.

Being creative should technically be the easiest achievement. I say technically because I know that in actual fact I am the biggest procrastinator I know. It is far too easy for me to spend hours thinking and planning things without actually getting anything done.

So yeah....

It is time for me to start working towards some new goals and hopefully at the same time work on my mess of a life. First thing's first tho, I have cake to eat!