Despaired Disrepaired...

I purged today for the first time in many many years.

It was as easy as ever and I felt glad that I wouldn't be absorbing all those calories from dinner but it has given me a bit of a headache.

Also I do not want to get back into that habit.  Last time I took it so far that I ended up being rushed to hospital and lost my hearing for three weeks because my blood pressure was so low.

However I think it has confirmed that ultimately I can't stop obsessing about food and losing weight now.

I am desperate to get thinner.

The ABC diet has me intrigued still.  The challenge is calling me even tho I know in advance that I will fail miserably on christmas day.  Christmas has always long been more about the chocolate than the presents for me. (I hardly ever get presents at christmas *cries*).

So I think I will start ABC tomorrow and see how it goes.

Ultimately I just don't want to eat anymore.

I'm desperate to get the scars on my belly removed.  I have lived with them since I was about 19 now and it has only ever gotten worse.

I'm too scared to meet a new man because I know eventually he would want to see me naked one day.  I fear having to buy new clothes because I can't face seeing my reflection in the changing room mirrors and I'm sick of knowing that I have never ever ever been able to wear the clothes I want to.

I grew up as the fat sister out of three of us.  It wasn't until after I attained these gross disgusting scars that I ever managed to lose weight.  My mind was convinced that if I got skinny enough they would just magically disappear.

That just isn't the case.

Now I want to get skinny enough that the doctors take me more seriously and at least consider giving me an operation to remove them.  It was shocking to be told to 'just get over it' when I meekly mentioned it to my new doctor.

My ex boyfriend used to call me a mutilated c**t!!  He would strip me naked, slap me and tell me how disgusting I was.  So disgusting that he could puke on my head!

I know he was just being an arsehole and trying to get at me but it worked.  I hate even leaving the house sometimes for fear of my clothes riding up and people catching glimpses of my ugliness.

My new mantra is 'ABC til Free' - meaning I'm not eating properly until I find a solution to all of this crazyness.  Either doctors will help me or maybe even my family will notice and offer some financial help.  I need £8000(ish) to pay for the op privately but that is looking like an impossibility.  It kinda sucks when my friend has just had her parents pay £6000 for new boobs!  My parents are too busy spending every penny they earn on several all inclusive holidays a year.  They go all around the world and I wouldn't mind if they actually went for the experiences and such.  No they go to get drunk, drink as much as they can and then drink some more.  Hell they do that every night in their own house anyway!!

My life is extremely lonely.  I have no real friends since being with my ex and my family don't even pay attention to the fact that I am ill and disabled let alone desperately unhappy.

The more and more I look at it the more I feel that something drastic needs to happen before any of my issues are taken seriously or even addressed by others.

There was three more that I made but I seem to have forgotten to take a picture of the third one.  We decided to give it to the sister of the little girl who died recently so it got wrapped and given away rather quickly.

So I finally found out what the ABC 'diet' is.

It appears to be a new version of the old 2 4 6 8 'diet'.

Anyway there doesn't seem to be much logic behind it (other than restrict restrict restrict) but I am tempted to give it a go just for the challenge.

Of course seeing as christmas is just around the corner I would have to have a couple of days off - because I know I will be dipping into the kids choclate treats, and I have a friend coming round on xmas day that I have promised a good meal to. 

It's a shame that somehow my nasty ex managed to get rid of my fear of food.

I want to be 102lbs before my birthday in Feb.

I'm in a really bad mood all of a sudden.

I wish I knew what's caused it because I'm feeling it is going to spiral into another fit of depression.

I'm guessing that it is probably due to ex's comments all day.

He starts being an arse to me then flips it around to make it out that I am the world's worst person.

Going to bath kids then go to bed I hope.

To say that I was brave enough to weigh myself today.  I am still 110lbs.

Woot!

I am so pleased I haven't gained tons (tonnes?) of weight as I haven't really been watching what I eat very well.

Yesterday was a nightmare.

After only 3 hours of sleep I had to take my daughter to Great Ormond Street Children's Hospital for her checkup.  We left dead early to get into London and made it with only five minutes to spare.

After spending a couple of hours getting her tests done and finding out that everything is fine we jumped back on the train home.

Then I got a call to say my youngest had had to be picked up from school as he was really ill.  My friend got him and met me at the station.  He was burning up something bad and complaining about his head and eyes.
I told my friend to take us straight to the emergency room.  Oh my god I have never seen him that ill so suddenly and I was terrified he had meningitis like the girl in his class.

As usual the hospital was a nightmare.  My friend took my daughter back to work with him and said he would get my other son from school at 3, take him back to work too then feed them when work was over.

As me and the youngest were waiting to be seen he was getting hotter and hotter and screaming about his head, while his skin was getting really red and spotty.  Finally the triage nurse assessed him.  She took his temperature and pulse and then rushed us straight through to the beds and the doctors.  He got some medicines instantly and then we waited.  Finally he cooled down and the rashes all faded.  They think it is a throat infection.  It looks like he reacts to them just like his mummy!  They kill me everytime and get me admitted into hospital usually.

Anyway he is fine now but home for a couple of days for the anti biotics to work.

Meanwhile by the time I finally got home (about7:30pm) his dad/my ex had left all these messages about how selfish I am because I still haven't phoned him.  Of course I haven't phoned him.  There is a reason he doesn't have a phone number and a reason he isn't allowed near my house!  I want nothing to do with the abusive arse!!!!!

So I left him a message explaining that I had busted my arse making sure all kids got seen asap for health problems but this resulted in him accusing me of doing something to the youngest son and telling me that I abuse him and the kids.  Todays message was, "big mouth, foul mouth dirty slag".

(I replied big fish, small fish, cardboard box lol lol lol that amused me greatly for a couple of hours)

Now he askinhg me to call again to show I have nothing to hide~!!  he is sorry for 'bad' words.

Stupid fucking shit of a man!

I'm knackered but at least I am feeling like a good person.  Not many people would have handled my day yesterday as well as I did and completely on their own.

And it is a great feeling to feel free of reactions and hurt from the arsehole's comments.  They just don't bother me half as much as before.

All I need now is to lose more weight and I will feel great about myself.

Very very depressed

but at least it means I'm not eating.

Been a hard week.  Asked the kids very nicely to let me get some rest this morning, especially as they wanted to stay up and watch children in need last night, put the christmas tree up today and go bowling tomorrow.

They stayed up and I struggled to keep myself up to keep an eye on them.

Needless to say I didn't get any rest, they were inconsiderate all day and then finished of with fist fights, (of all things!!), when i asked them to tidy up the camp that I also let them make last night to sleep in.

I sent them to bed very early.

Makes me feel terrible when I lose my temper with them.

Makes me remember just how alone I am with my illness and this single parent business.

Makes me try and remember the last time anyone phoned or contacted me to see how I am or if I need any help.

Makes me see, yet again, that people are only interested in me when they want something.

Sick of being house bound, or taking trips out for kids then suffering big time the next few days.

Sick of feeling ugly and disgusting, even having a bath is no comfort as I am forced to face my fugly mutilated body.

Tired of being tired and worn down by life.

Tired of being a cripple and having people stare at my walking stick cos they think I am too young to really need it.  Or think I am faking because some days I refuse to use it.

Got no prospects for my future.

No recovery to look forward to.

No sympathy or understanding.

No friends, no family interest...

...Just three young children who can be very ungrateful at times.

The tree didn't get done.  I can't find anyone to help me get the rest of the christmas stuff I need to buy and my house is getting messy because I'm not physically able to cope with it all right now and no one gives a shit.

got to be positive apparently, not wind myself up.

I fail to see anything positive to focus on.

I really am a walking limping fuck up.

Instead of concentrating on how much I hate my body I have been busy stressing about christmas.

I've finally finished everything I was planning to make and only have a few gifts left to buy.

Do you like my make shift bracelet holders?  You really can find many uses for an empty toilet roll tube.

I'm not so keen on Mum's bracelet, it is a bit er...wobbly.  I doubt any of them will actually wear them, use them, or really appreciate them anyway.

*sigh*

Lets hope I am wrong about that tho.

I also made these: